Whatever You Want
An Attempt to Explain Why I Think We Should All Stop Wasting Time Trying to Be Successful and Start Wasting Time Trying to Be Happy
"Evelyn?"
I wait for a second, listening for any signs of life behind the door to my little sister's bedroom, before sighing and knocking one more time.
"Ev, it's been all day. You need to come out of there."
"No."
I frown - what else was left to try, really, anyway - and shake my head. It's not so much "reasoning" with her when she gets like this; she really does have a remarkable ability to make even the most mundane disagreement feel like a hostage negotiation, sometimes.
"Well - at least let me get you some food, or something."
"Okay." It didn't really sound like she meant it, or really cared one way or the other.
"You have to open the door if that's what you want, though."
There's a long pause from inside the bedroom before I finally hear her reply, muffled like she's speaking through a pillow or something. "Just leave it outside."
I grit my teeth - she's never going to grow out of this, is she? Not knowing what else to do, I just stood there in the dim hallway, with one hand on the doorframe and my ears ringing like I'd just gotten back from the firing range.
"Look, Ev..." I start, but I don't even really know what to say. She'd always been a little bit weird, sure, but the past couple of years she's only gotten worse. It's not even that out of the ordinary for her to lock herself up like this, these days.
"I said I'm fine."
"...Ev," I say, a little more firmly this time, and try rattling the doorknob, gently. Still silence from behind the door.
"Evelyn."
More silence. I sigh and look down, the hand at my side clenching into a fist.
This isn't getting me anywhere. I'll just have to do this the hard way, I guess.
"I'm going to count to three," I say, hoping that maybe I can at least “pull rank”, so to speak. It works, and there's a brief flurry of motion from behind the door - the sound of someone shifting around, quickly.
Not exactly the response I wanted, but in hindsight I guess it should have been the one I expected.
"One..."
More silence, followed by the faintest whimper.
"Two."
I wait for a moment longer, just to make sure that she doesn't have anything else to say, before finally taking a deep breath and steeling myself as I open my mouth.
"Stop!
"Stop it. Please."
There's a desperation in her voice that, in a way, feels reassuring. At least it's not all quiet resignation - even if she does sound like she's still about to break down at any second. When I hear my sister's voice again, it's much fainter, and almost sounds like she's on the verge of tears.
"Evelyn?"
"Please just go away.
"I don't want anyone to see me like this."
The words are barely a whisper, and I'm not even sure I heard her correctly, at first, but it's enough to bring a pained expression to my face.
"...Ev, please. I'm really worried about you. Please just open the door."
An even longer pause, and I wait, holding my breath intently. Finally, I hear the bed creak, and the soft padding of Evelyn's feet on the floor coming closer to me.
The doorknob clicks quietly, and then I hear her footsteps walk away again.
"It's unlocked."
My breath comes out in a heavy, exasperated sigh, and I push it open with my foot - a bit hesitantly, since she hadn't bothered to turn the light on - and I look inside. Evelyn's already sitting cross-legged on her bed again, looking out the window.
It was still only about five o'clock in the evening, but with the blinds still nearly shut, the only sources of light come from the television - muted - sitting on the dresser, the strip of colored lights strung along the ceiling behind it, and my sister's laptop, illuminating her from below like some sort of ghost.
Evelyn herself, had seated herself near the edge of her bed, with her back to the TV, and was just staring down at the hardwood floor underneath the small rug at the side of the bed. She leans forward, her palms gripping onto the edge of the mattress as she keeps looking at the grains in the wood intently, like it was the most important thing she'd seen all day.
I just stand there, in the doorway, for a moment, before quietly shutting it behind me and making my way across the room. I don't say anything. She doesn't say anything either.
Evelyn just stares down at the ground, not bothering to look up at me, even when I stop and lean down in front of her. Without looking up or taking her eyes off of the floor at all, my sister finally says in a small voice:
"Is it always going to be like this?"
I don't know what to say. I just stand there at her side, and she lifts her head to look up at me. It's obvious she's been crying.
I sit down next to Evelyn, quietly, and place my hands in my lap. My own eyes make their way down to my feet on the floor, too, but I keep an ear turned towards her, just listening for now.
She didn't seem to know what else to say, either - and the two of us sat in silence in the dark bedroom, before I finally spoke up.
"...Do you want me to turn on the light?"
Evelyn just nods, slowly, and goes back to staring at the floor and playing with the sheets on the edge of the bed. She seemed grateful for the change in subject, even if just for a second.
I gesture towards her laptop, the screen still open to a white screen, filled with text, as I reach over to flick on the lamp next to her bed.
"What did you get up to today?" I ask, hoping to lighten the mood at least a little.
As soon as the warm yellow glow fills the room, Evelyn flinches. I wasn't sure if she wanted me to see, or pretend I didn't notice, so I just sat there and waited for her to say something.
"N-nothing," She replied, softly. Her voice was hoarse and barely above a whisper. "Same as every day."
"Nothing at all?"
"N...no," she says, after a long moment, and turns away from me, pulling her legs up against her chest. I just sit there, patiently, and wait. "I mean, I guess I was, um..."
"It's okay. Take your time," I say, and reach my arm out to rest my hand on her shoulder.
"Well, I was reading a book," she began, almost a little timidly, like she was afraid I'd chastise her for what she was about to say, "you know. Just something I found on the, uh, Internet."
"Okay, you were reading a book."
"Yeah, a book. And, um..." She took a breath, and let it out, and kept her eyes fixed on her feet, almost like she wasn't really expecting me to still be listening, let alone answer her. "And I dunno, I just got - "
I just keep listening, and squeeze her shoulder as reassuringly as I could. I can tell she's trying very hard to hold back tears - I wish she wouldn't.
" - it was just really scary, I guess."
I nod. "Like, a horror story?"
Evelyn shakes her head. "No, not really. It wasn't like..." Her gaze falls down to the floor again, and keeps looking back up at the door back into the hallway. "It just felt really, really real I guess. Like something that like, you know..."
She takes a shaky breath, and wipes at her eye, and trails off. She stares intently at the floorboards for a second before continuing in a hushed, hurried tone, like she was trying to get the words out and over with as soon as she possibly could.
"...I just couldn't stop thinking about it, and I just - "
"About what?" I interrupt, softly, and lean forward, reaching out to place my hand on top of hers. I can't help but notice how warm the metal of her bracelet feels against my fingertips while her skin could still be so cold. She looks down at our hands and then back up at me, her voice shaking - but doesn't pull away.
"Just... you know. Me."
"You mean like, about what happened last year?"
Evelyn doesn't say anything else. She just pulls her knees tighter against her chest and buries her face in them.
I put an arm around her, and pull her close, and we sit there like that for a while.
I really do wish that she'd just talk to me.
"...Do you want me to leave the lights on?"
She shook her head, slowly, and after a few moments in silence I reach back over and flick the light switch back off.
"I'm sorry, Rose."
I blink. "Why?"
"I don't know. For making you turn off the light, I guess. My eyes were just starting to hurt, is all."
Confused, I frown and look at her. Evelyn still has her eyes pointed down at the floor, and she doesn't lift her head up to look at me.
"You don't need to be sorry, Ev."
"I am, though."
"It's alright. Just, try not to worry too much about me, okay?"
I don't think I've ever seen my little sister look so small before.
"I'm not worried," she says, finally, looking down at her own arms wrapped tightly around her legs, "I'm just sorry."
She sounds like she's going to start crying again. I hug her closer.
"Ev..."
"Why am I like this? Why can't I just be a normal girl, like everyone else?"
"But you are - "
"No I'm not," Evelyn insists, her voice barely above a whisper, and her gaze turns from the floor back to me, her eyes shining in the half-light of the TV and the fairy lights strung around the room. She looks lost, alone, and very, very upset.
I take a long breath, and let it out slowly.
"Ev, you already know what I'm going to tell you. Is it really going to do you any good to keep thinking about it like this?"
She looks away, and doesn't respond.
I reach out to place a hand on her shoulder, and she turns away from me. I frown again.
"It's okay, you know. I mean, look at me," I continue, gesturing towards my right eye, and left it at that. "I'm a total mess, and you'd never know it, not unless you know me like you do. Everyone's different."
"Whatever."
"What? It's the truth."
She sighs.
"I know."
We stay like that, sitting on her bed, for a long while, and neither of us says anything. Evelyn's gaze had moved from her feet back down to the floor again, and her hands had found their way into her lap.
"It's just not... I just mean - I feel like this is different. Like sure, everyone has their weird thing, but - I don't know." She bounces her legs, nervously, and I can see the gears turning in her head as she tries to think.
"They're just all, like, normal weird things, you know."
"Mm."
"And, like, everyone's always trying to convince my thing isn't that big of a deal, and like, of course I know it's not, but it still feels like it's a huge fucking deal to me, and..."
She stops for a second, and takes a breath, and continues.
"It feels like... the world isn't made for me, you know? Like, everyone built it for themselves, and they all know how to change it around to suit them, or get what they need to do it.
"But I can't do that. All I can do is hide in my bedroom all day and make shit up."
I blink again, unsure of what, exactly, she's talking about. "You mean your stories? But you’re a great writer. Have you - "
"You're my sister," she countered, cutting me off with a sharpness to it that felt like she was still expecting a fight. "You're supposed to say that."
"Two things can be true."
"Yeah, whatever."
I look at her, caught off-guard by the sudden change of tone, and she turns away again, her cheeks starting to redden. She keeps talking, her voice hushed in spite of how much she was clearly straining to hold her tongue.
"Even the people who say they care about me can't really understand what's going on with me,” she mutters under her breath, just loud enough for me to still hear. “Because if they did, they wouldn't keep doing this to me."
"You mean, keeping you inside all the time?"
"Yes, and treating me like I'm fucking five," Evelyn snaps, and her hands ball up into fists in her lap. "I'm going to be eighteen in three months, and I still haven't been back to school more than, like, four times all year, and then everyone acts like it's my fault I don't know how to talk to people anymore."
"It's not - " I begin, and give her a reassuring smile, though she doesn't seem to appreciate it much. "It's just a little hard to understand you sometimes, Ev. It isn't like - "
"Like what, Rose? Like I'm fucking stupid or something? Lying about everything? What is it?”
All I could do was just stare, and think about what she'd said. I mean, really, what would you have done?
“You can say it, you know. It's not like any of this is a big mystery or anything," She replies, and turns her back towards me. “I know you think I'm crazy, Rose. You're just like everyone else.”
It looks like she's about to start yelling at me again, but instead she just sits there quietly, with her hands still clenched and shaking. Finally though, she relaxes, shoulders slumping back down like they'd never moved at all.
"...Sorry."
I decide not to answer her.
"It's just - I can't fix anything about my life, I can't make people listen to me, and now I can't even fucking do the one thing I'm good at, anymore."
Finally she was quiet again, and I let her sit for a while, looking at the floor and thinking about whatever it was that was going through her head. I really don't blame her for feeling this way, to be honest. I'm sure it's a lot to live with.
"...Do you really feel like this all the time, Ev?"
"I - yeah, maybe." I could tell she didn't want to say it, and I knew that she wasn't being completely honest, either, but it still felt like a small victory. "Yes."
I just nod, and try my best to let her know I was still there. She leans against me, and we stay there like that for a few minutes, before I finally speak up again, taking advantage of the relative calm to try and break through to her a bit.
"Is there anything I can do, Ev? Or mom and dad, or..."
Evelyn doesn't let me finish, drawing in her breath slowly, and letting out a long, shaky sigh.
"No," she whispers, and turns her head away from me, and doesn't say another word.
"So... you're really just gonna keep living like this, then?"
She shrugs, and her gaze returns to the floor.
"Like what?"
"Like this. In your room, in the dark, watching cartoons and playing video games all day."
She didn't say anything.
"Just, I dunno, wasting away on the Internet, not doing anything with your life."
"It's not 'wasting,' Rose," she says, finally, with a tone of resignation and exhaustion, "it's just... what I can do."
I just frown. "Yeah, but... is this really it, then? Is this really your life, Ev?"
She doesn't respond, and she's back staring at the floor, again.
"You're really happy to just spend the rest of your life locked in your room, watching movies, reading books, and playing games?"
"Is that really such a fucking bad thing?" she snaps, finally, tears now flowing freely down her face. She's nearly motionless, almost calmly just sitting there, and staring straight at the potted plant in the corner of the room. I could only tell how badly she was shaking by the way the mattress was quivering underneath us as I sat next to her.
"...I just don't fucking get it. Everyone else gets to do whatever they want.”
I open my mouth to try and answer her, but Evelyn was the one with more to say this time.
“And they keep trying to tell me I can, too - but I can't, I know they know I fucking can't, and I don't understand how nobody can see that forcing myself to 'just keep trying' only makes me feel even worse about not being able to do fucking anything."
I sit there in stunned silence as my sister raises her voice, slowly, until it reaches a shout, cracking as she breaks down into tears again.
"Like, I'm not fucking sick! I'm just sick of pretending like everything's fine all the time! I'm sick of acting like I'm not a prisoner in my own house, on the verge of completely falling apart every moment of my goddamn life! Everyone wants me to just 'accept things the way they are' but never shuts the fuck up about how I need to do this, change that, take these medications, try this treatment, and even then, it's always 'oh my God, Ev, you're not taking this seriously enough' -
"Why can't you all just leave me alone already? I’ve given you everything," Evelyn practically spits out with a glare that could have melted glass, “fucking everything!”
She rolls up her sleeves then, and angrily holds out both of her forearms in front of her - as if waiting to be cuffed - while I just stare down at the bandages wrapped around her elbows until she pulls them back again.
"It's just not fair. Why does everyone else get to decide how I live, and how I'm supposed to feel about it?”
Her voice finally breaks and her hands fall limply into her lap. I still don't really know what to say. I reach out a hand and place it on her shoulder, but she doesn't react.
“...I have nothing left. Why won't you just let me die already?"
"Evelyn..."
"Because I don't care anymore, you know. I'm terrified, but if this is all any of you can ever do to help me, I guess I'll just have to live with that, won't I? It isn't like I ever got to fucking live in the first place."
The room is dead silent. She's stopped crying now, and just sits there, breathing heavily and staring blankly into space. She doesn't move or say anything else, and doesn't seem to acknowledge that I'm there, either.
"Ev, you know we're just trying to help."
"Yeah, I know, I know, you're 'just trying.' Just trying, and trying, and trying, and nothing's ever worked and you're all still just fucking trying.
"And I've tried, too - I've tried, and tried, and tried, and it's still never good enough for anyone. And even if it was, I'd still have this stupid fucking voice in my head telling me it's not, it's not, it's not, over and over again, until I finally realize, yeah, I was never gonna fucking get anywhere with this in the first place."
She's still just sitting there, not moving, just talking. Her eyes are red and bloodshot, and she's got a few streaks of tears on her face, but other than that, she just looks tired.
"Why don't you get it? How could you ever expect to understand what this is like? What it's like for me?
"If you think you know me so well, then what am I supposed to do, huh? Tell me, Rose. Tell me what the fuck to do."
I'm at a complete loss. It feels like hours pass, but no words come out.
"That's what I thought."
"No, Ev, it's not like that. It's just - "
I can't stop myself from saying it. It's like something comes over me, and suddenly the words are just coming out.
"We can't fix you, Evelyn."
She turns and looks at me, her eyes narrowed, a deep frown set into her face, her hands balled into fists, her entire body shaking as she struggles to hold back her tears.
"How can you possibly say that?" she manages to spit out, one last time, her voice raw and strained and barely audible.
“...Because you’re right, Ev.
"You're not broken. It's not your fault. But you still have to try, too."
She opens her mouth like she's about to say something, but for whatever reason, stops herself at the last second. Her jaw tenses up, and her breathing gets heavier, and I can tell she's trying to fight off the urge to scream.
"How the fuck can you possibly still not see how fucking hard I'm trying?"
"But I do, Ev."
"Why won't any of you ever fucking listen - "
"I am, Evelyn, I swear. I’m trying."
She opens her mouth, closes it again, and looks down, her body relaxing slightly. At last her jaw unclenches, and her breathing slows, and her hands open up and rest gently on her knees. She still looks like she's about to burst into tears at any second, though.
I guess that means I’m still on the clock, and quickly running out of options.
"Look, Ev," I begin, trying my best to choose my words carefully, "you know you're my sister, and I love you. You're all I have, and you know that.
"But the truth is I haven't been being a good sister. You really do deserve someone who can actually help you."
Evelyn is silent, and doesn't look up at me.
"...I'm sorry, Ev."
She still doesn't look up or say anything, but I can hear her sniffle, and I can tell she's listening.
"I'm sorry for everything. For what's happened to you, and for what we've put you through.
"You're right. About how hard you've tried, and about how we've never believed you. About how hard you're trying, and about how much pain you're in.
"We should have seen it, and we didn't, and we're sorry."
She tenses up a little as I put a hand on her shoulder, then shakes her head.
"What are you sorry for? You're the only person that’s ever acted like they care about me at all."
"...Two things can be true."
"Don't."
"But they can, Ev. Please just trust me."
She turns to look at me, and for a split second, her eyes widen, and her face relaxes. She opens her mouth slightly, like she's about to speak, and then she turns back to the wall and closes her eyes, and lets out a small sob.
We sit like that for a while, and just when I'm about to open my mouth to speak, Evelyn's voice pipes up again beside me, shaky and quiet, but still there, in spite of - or perhaps even because of - everything.
"...Can we still go get something to eat?"
I smile, and put my arm around her shoulder, finally letting myself relax for the first time all evening.
"Yeah, of course.
"Whatever you want, sis." ⁂